Friday, January 11, 2019

How Far Should Sexual Fantasy Go?

When you're married for more than 5 years, there are times when sex is just a routine with no sparks. You do it just because it's your biological needs. The excitement and satisfaction aren't there anymore. And it becomes boring and dull.

After being in that phase for certain period of time, maybe you will finally realise that you need to work on that. "Let's make our sex pleasurable again," you said to your spouse, or vice versa.

There are times when intercourse feels boring. You've known every inch of your spouse's body, every move they're gonna do, every wiggle, every tongue play, every thing. You've known where they will put their hands while they're doing you. Nothing is new. Nothing makes it desirable anymore.

I have written about sex life in marriage once in Bahasa Indonesia, read it here: Sex Life After Marriage. Adit also wrote about that, you can read it here: Diari Papi Ubii #29 ― When Sex Is Meh

Bored is, I think, a very normal feeling. You will be bored when you do one particular thing over and over again, won't you? When you eat the same menu for years, wouldn't you be bored? When you watch the same movie for years, wouldn't you want to catch another movie? And sex is just like that. You can be bored as well.

The significant difference is the action you take afterwards. You're sick of eating one particular food, you can just grab another menu. You're bored with one movie, oh just change the channel or go to YouTube, and done. We can just change the objects. But what about sex? Would you just change whom you do sex with when you're bored? No.

So what'd you do? Put your sexual fantasies come to life, if possible.

Sexual fantasies are a natural byproduct of the human imagination (Huffpost). So it is o-k-a-y to have one, or more, because it's natural. There are a lot of sexual fantasies, like really a lot, from the common ones until the weird (or even sick) ones.

(And note that common and weird here are very subjective of course).


And this one is women's:

For me, making sexual fantasies come true, is one way to make sex great again. I get the sensation of feeling something new or unusual, and finally the spark is there again. Bye boredom.

It is okay to talk about your sexual fantasies to your spouse. You can together sort those fantasies out: which seems doable and which are off the table. Be adventurous with your spouse in bed once in a blue moon can really lighten up your married sex life.

But, you also have to ask yourself, are you really okay doing it? With sexual fantasies, we can be wild and kinky with our spouse. But with respect, and consent.

Don't push your spouse to do certain fantasy if they don't feel comfortable, or they refuse. Otherwise it's not called making love, but degrading your spouse.

And if the sexual fantasies bothers the values that you've been holding on, then don't do it. Know your boundaries before determining how far you should go with those fantasies.

Thru DM, I receive some questions asking this:
My husband asks me to .... in bed, do you think it's ok? Do you think I should do it? Do you think it's normal?
I would never be able to answer that kind of question. You should have your own answers. You should make your own definition of okay and not okay, doable and not doable, should and shouldn't in terms of sexual fantasies.

So how far should sexual fantasy go?

As I said above, if it disrupts values you hold, then don't do it. Some fantasies may stay as fantasies, not reality. If you're not comfortable making it come true, then talk to your spouse. Communicate. Make a list of what can be done and what cannot be done, TOGETHER.

Marriage is not just about sex. But, one also can't deny that sex is an important aspect of marriage because sex also allows us, married couples, to bond. And doing sex is also good for our heart. It keeps our estrogen and testosterone levels in balance (Webmd). You can google health benefits of sex should you want to know more.

When boredom strikes, talk to your spouse. Find a way out together, because marriage is all about communication. It always has been.

And, ladies, having request in bed is not only husbands' privilege. We are also allowed to do so :)



  1. Couldn't more agree. Saya kalau baca artikel yang bilang kebanyakan wanita malu untuk bicara seks sama suami sendiri, ngerasa nggak relate. Karena saya nyablak dan terbuka banget. Kan suami sendiri. Jadi mikir, ini gue yang agresif apa gimana? wkwkwwk. For me, hubungan rumah tangga itu dijalani dan dirasakan berdua termasuk rasa "puas" harus dirasakan satu sama lain.

  2. Your enthusiasm for learning and sharing improves many lives, wordle, including mine.


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