Wednesday, April 25, 2018


Life is funny. Sometimes you feel like you can conquer the world. You're energetic, lively, and cheerful. You're full of optimism. You smile a lot. You have plans, hopes, and all. You see yourself as a strong human being who's ready to overcome any challenges.

But, some other times, you feel a massive exhaustion and anxiety. You're worried. You can barely smile. You're gloomy all day. You feel like there's nothing you can do to make things better and you're alone. And suddenly it makes you feel so lonely.

There's a couple of things that have been bothering my mind for I don't know how long. Maybe for months. That makes me difficult to sleep. I worry about those things a lot. But night is the worst. It's just so difficult for me not to think about those matters.

I put aside my cellphone, use essential oil which has a calming scent, and close my eyes. But I couldn't just fall asleep. It just feels like my body is very tired but my mind can't rest. I used to think that it's only because I have this unhealthy lifestyle.

I really do try have a better lifestyle. Eating more scheduled, taking vitamins, doing some exercises (although I stopped for a week due to neck pain), and whatnot. I even refused some sponsored blogpost because I don't want to stay up late working on that. I used to be happy and excited when I got sponsored blogpost offers that suit me. I would take them all because by then I would be able to earn more extra cash. 

Yet, I still barely sleep easily.

I used to think that it didn't matter. It's just sleep. Who needs that much of sleep hours anyway. But lately, it got me kinda worried.

I remember my granny. A long time ago, she was this kind of person who's cheerful and energetic all the time. Every time when I saw her, she never failed to make me feel like I was the luckiest grand daughter in the world. She was fun and pretty. She dressed to kill. She's just wonderful.

Gradually, that image was gone. She got hospitalised a couple of times. She said it's because she couldn't sleep at all. She had insomnia. I was just a kid when that happened. So I thought, "How could a person unable to sleep? Why doesn't she just close her eyes?" I thought it was that simple.

What happened was a bit blur because, again, I was just a kid. But I remember that slow but sure I didn't see her as energetic and cheerful as she had always been. She looked gloomy. She didn't talk a lot again. And I just didn't know why.

As time went by, she seemed thinner. She lost a lot of weights. It made her look sick at last. My dad told me that she had a depression. But that time I didn't know what depression meant. It was just a strange abstract word. Not only she couldn't sleep, but she also couldn't eat as well. Could not or didn't want to ― I can't really tell.

Finally, she passed away. And the image of her when she passed was totally different with what I had always remembered. She looked tiny and gloomy. She seemed to lose her passion of living. It's not easy for me to understand and accept that because she had used to be the kind of fun and pretty granny.

And up until now, I don't even know what made her so depressed. 

But I know one thing for a fact: I don't want to end up like her.

I'm okay.

I think I just kinda miss her. 


  1. Biasanya kalau siangnya terlalu capek, malamnya malah aku ngga bisa tidur. Badan lelah, mata ngantuk.. tapi tetap aja ngga bisa tidur.
    Coba kurangi aktivitas, it works for me.

  2. aku juga kadang suka gtu mbak. gak bisa tidur, karena otakku rasanya gak bisa stop thinking. bisa 3 hari sampe seminggu

    1. Suka ada yang ngasih masukan, "Jangan apa-apa dipikirin" - I know masukannya baik maksudnya, but irl aku belum ngerti gimana praktikinnya. Gimana bisa ya biar ga mikirin huhu. Ada lagi yang kasih masukan cobain yoga lebih relaxed, pernah coba nggak mba?

  3. Mbak.. semoga sehat selalu ya..
    I feel you
    Waktu saya terkena ppd saya juga gitu, sering susah tidur, tapi kadang terdur terus nggak mau bangun, males makan juga sampe turun 10kg sebulan hiks

    Akhirnya saya cerita ke ahlinya, psikolog
    Dan buat saya yang paling ngobatin adalah dzikir, minta ampun sama Allah , dibimbing sama suami
    Mungkin di agama mbak Gesi ada juga semacam itu.. bisa dicoba

    Sampe sekarang anxiety kadang masih menyerang ... dengan dzikir langsung tenang

    Semangat mbak!

  4. Smoga doanya terkabul _/I\_. Suka Gesi yg ceria dgn Adit plus two little kids.Love u guys

  5. Don't push yourself. Just so you know, I've got to those phase more often lately. Cowokku kalau aku udah mulai ga semangat gitu selalu bilang 'Wah kamu udah mulai fase gawat kalau begini'. Believe it or not, I have done many things in my depression session. Crying all day, think of suicide. But eventually I deal with it. It will get better, just don't stress over it. You're allowed to cry, to not sleep at all, to be numb. But one thing you should know: you're not alone. Talk to everyone you trust.

    It's okay to be not okay, because we are human.

    P.S.: Kakakku yang psikolog bilang kalau depresi adalah 'demam'nya jiwa kita. It's very common, but the level is vary from one person to another. We can deal with it. But first: accept it.

    Love kak Geci💖

    1. Thanks sharingnya ya Safira. Noted. Makaciii

  6. Ci Gesi, I hope you're doing well ya, don't forget to have some sleep! Udah pernah coba ASMR, ci? I've tried not long ago untuk coba bobo siang, sih, tapi ternyata ngaruh. About depression thing, I know you're not gonna let yourself depressed. You have a strong and supportive community, loving husband and awesome kids! Senang juga kalo bisa share personal thoughts kayak gini. We're here to support you! Semangat, Mami Gesi! 💖

    1. Wah belum, Jane. Even baru denger ini perdana. Thanks yah. Aku barusan langsung googling sekilas. Thank youu.


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