.realize.

If only I could turn back the time, I'd say NO that time. Really. I would. I'm tired, exhausted, n depressed but u never know. Everyone seems indifferent, or they dunno either? I want to ignore all these shits n pretend as if everything is okay, but u know it's absolutely not a piece of cake. For almost 2 fucking years I've tried n got nothing but all d lies. People say even a donkey won't fall down into d same hole for twice, but this hole? I've fallen down into this many times. Thousand of times. Does it make me worse n dumber than that silly donkey? How pathetic then. I'm ashamed. I'm supposed to be stronger than this, I'm supposed to be able to fix it, but I cant. Always. I never can. U say I'm way too much. Too much?!!!! Too much what?! How could u say that. How dare u! How could u even think about that!! asshole. I should have known u're an asshole n then I shouldn't have said yes. I regret it. Really! I regret all that we have. For all this time, I always blame myself. I treat myself badly as I cant do nothing when we quarrel. I tell myself to b more like this n that to be d girl u expect me to be. But, now I see, u never do d same. U never try to b d better person I want u to be. What u can only do is blaming me as if everything is my fault. Slowly, u make me hate myself. And, foolishly I realize that too too too late. Why now? Why I realize that after all these bad events, habits, routines, etc? I know it's corny. But what can I say anymore if d problem still deals with u? with all things related to u? I tried to hate u, really, but I cant. Even after knowing that u've been cheating on me, even after u've punched n kicked me. After all ur behavior, I cant hate u still. I used to be proud of this, I thought this is what affection means. But I was wrong. This is not affection. Affection isn't like this. AFfection takes d action giving and taking, understanding and to be understood. This is not what it's supposed to be. This is called stupidity. What else can it possibly be? It's stupid because I let myself fall down into d same hole over n over again. It's stupid as I cant hate n forget. It's stupid since I cant make a move. It's stupid since I still let ur shits n lies hurting me so bad. The last time we conversed, we said that this will be the last attempt. Now, is it? Is it d last? really really d last?  Then it means that we, or to be more particular I, have to let go it now? If so, please just disappear n go or even die. Please tell me that it's only a dream, a bad one n some day when I wake up, really really wake up, I can see d world happily as if u never exist in my life. I'm sick of this. These 2 years I've wasted are enough. I shouldnt waste any more time, even years to realize that U ARE NOT THE ONE FOR ME BASTARD!