If only I could turn back the time, I'd say NO that time. Really. I would. I'm tired, exhausted, n depressed but u never know. Everyone seems indifferent, or they dunno either? I want to ignore all these shits n pretend as if everything is okay, but u know it's absolutely not a piece of cake. For almost 2 fucking years I've tried n got nothing but all d lies. People say even a donkey won't fall down into d same hole for twice, but this hole? I've fallen down into this many times. Thousand of times. Does it make me worse n dumber than that silly donkey? How pathetic then. I'm ashamed. I'm supposed to be stronger than this, I'm supposed to be able to fix it, but I cant. Always. I never can. U say I'm way too much. Too much?!!!! Too much what?! How could u say that. How dare u! How could u even think about that!! asshole. I should have known u're an asshole n then I shouldn't have said yes. I regret it. Really! I regret all that we have. For all this time, I always blame myself. I treat myself badly as I cant do nothing when we quarrel. I tell myself to b more like this n that to be d girl u expect me to be. But, now I see, u never do d same. U never try to b d better person I want u to be. What u can only do is blaming me as if everything is my fault. Slowly, u make me hate myself. And, foolishly I realize that too too too late. Why now? Why I realize that after all these bad events, habits, routines, etc? I know it's corny. But what can I say anymore if d problem still deals with u? with all things related to u? I tried to hate u, really, but I cant. Even after knowing that u've been cheating on me, even after u've punched n kicked me. After all ur behavior, I cant hate u still. I used to be proud of this, I thought this is what affection means. But I was wrong. This is not affection. Affection isn't like this. AFfection takes d action giving and taking, understanding and to be understood. This is not what it's supposed to be. This is called stupidity. What else can it possibly be? It's stupid because I let myself fall down into d same hole over n over again. It's stupid as I cant hate n forget. It's stupid since I cant make a move. It's stupid since I still let ur shits n lies hurting me so bad. The last time we conversed, we said that this will be the last attempt. Now, is it? Is it d last? really really d last? Then it means that we, or to be more particular I, have to let go it now? If so, please just disappear n go or even die. Please tell me that it's only a dream, a bad one n some day when I wake up, really really wake up, I can see d world happily as if u never exist in my life. I'm sick of this. These 2 years I've wasted are enough. I shouldnt waste any more time, even years to realize that U ARE NOT THE ONE FOR ME BASTARD!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Well, whatta say? I just cant sleep at all n it's already 4 o''clock in d morning !
Suddenly I realized that I have to fix many things in me. Underline that.
Sometimes people complain bout their life. They grumble bout why they dont have much money, why they cant buy this or that stuff, why their friends r asshole, why their lovers cant understand them, why their sex life isn't so satisfyin, why their marriage seems borin, why their assignments r so burdensome, why their parents demand a lot of things that seem impossible, and many other why why why.
And I started wonderin on why people really love to complain. They can complain bout anythin. Really. And they have such a huge storage box for providin excuses on why they have to complain bout one or the other thing. Aint their excuses n complaints makin their life simpler, easier, or more controllable? Do they feel less distressed if they complain n grumble? I dun think so. One thing I know for sure is all things seem heavier, more difficult, more stressin, more exhaustin if they just complain without any real action to solve or find the way out for their probs. Everything wont be solved if they cant accept those the way they are rite? Every prob wont go away even after we scream n yell "Fuck OFF" for a thousand times. So why the hell do we still like to complain? even bout small stuff only.
I myself also like to complain. Often. Although I've realized that complainin wont solve anything, I jut keep on doin it. And now I'm askin 'why'? Complaining is addictive perhaps. That's what I feel. I wont go anywhere and do nothing good with complaining but hey, I cant stop doing that. Or, perhaps, I just wanna blame anything for my misfortunes? Maybe. If so, hahaha, how shallow I am ! shame !