Friday, September 7, 2012

A Mother, A Thinker, A Planner: ME

Today is Friday. Common people usually say "Thanks God It's Friday!" But I started today with negative feelings, or thoughts. Whatever. Jadi, semalam Ubii rewel. Jam tiga atau jam lima yah tepatnya, lupa! Padahal sudah dua atau tiga hari sebelumnya Ubii jadi a very nice baby girl. Tidur awal (so I can rest earlier), gak kebangun untuk minta digendong, kebangun cuma untuk nenen, bangun pagi jadi aku sempet jemur dia, mandiin dia on time, dan ngantor pun jadi ga harus buru-buru. Semalam, haduh! Balik lagi rewel kaya dulu. I was upset and disappointed. Jadi pas dia rewel, aku goncang-goncang badannya sambil rada sebel, berusaha nenangin dia sekenanya. Entah aku yang goncangin badannya terlalu keras apa karena dia ngantuk or whatever, dia jadi batuk-batuk kaya tersedak gitu. And, it broke my heart. But, I really couldn't help myself to be calm and patient last nite. Shame. 

Karena dia rewel dan stay awoke until 5, bangunnya jadi lebih siang dari biasanya. Ubii just woke up at 9. Itu pun karena aku bangunin, aku gelitikin dan cium-ciumin. Jadi siap-siap ngantor pun buru-buru dan as usual, I was late. On the way to the office, many thoughts popped out on my mind. Things like "kok Ubii rewel lagi setelah beberapa hari nice", "duh telat lagi", "harusnya aku bangun lebih pagi jadi gak telat", "apa bayi tu emang gini ya?" Sampai di kantor, masih aja kepikiran sama hal-hal itu. My heart was beating extra fast. I took my notebook and wrote what happened this morning. I also create my new schedule. Yeah, another schedule because the previous schedules failed successfully. What a paradox, right? They fail but successfully. Okay, so back to my writing a new schedule. I made it like:
  • wake up at 6 (A MUST)
  • pump, take a bath, sweep and mop the floor at around 6-7.30
  • take Ubii to sunbathe at 7.30-8
  • take Ubii to take a bath at 8-8.30
  • get dress and be ready to work at 8.30
It HAS TO work! Harus! I didn't make another schedule to fail, yeah, again. Now, I changed the subject to me, not to Ubii. If Ubii can't be on time (of course!), then I have to be. 
After making another new schedule, some insights came to me. Tiba-tiba tersadarkan dan bertanya-tanya, "ya ampun ibu macam apa aku ini yang mengharuskan Ubii on time and gak rewel?" For goodnes sake, she's still 3mos old! Bodohnya aku jadi seorang ibu yang mengeset waktu anaknya untuk kapan dia boleh dan dimaklumi ketike rewel. Bayi ya wajar lah kalo rewel! So, now I force myself to think that kalo Ubii ga rewel ya disyukuri, tapi kalo dia rewel ya harus dimaklumi because it's a VERY normal thing for babies. Sebenernya kalo mau dirunut lagi, banyak kasus di mana aku nya yang kurang on time tapi aku pakai alasan "karena Ubii masih pengen ngempeng". Then why the hell am I hiring a servant? Titipin aja bentar buat di-ASIP-in, toh aku punya sekulkas penuh ASIP trus aku bisa mandi bentar dan walla, we're back in track! :) :) 

I did get another deeper insight, which is, oh ternyata aku sudah mulai jadi seorang ibu yang berkspektasi ketinggian, pada anakku, pada pembantu rumah tanggaku, pada rutinitas anakku dan rutinitasku sendiri, pada kesiapsiagaan suami, dan mungkin masih banyak lagi. I feel bad for that. To be honest, I'm still questioning on kenapa tidak ada hal yang sempurna? Can I create my own perfection? Or, may I?
Being a mother is difficult, I must say. Way moreee difficult than any other super difficult things in the world, in my world. 

If nothing's perfect and nobody's perfect, does it mean that there will never be perfect mom and motherhood? Am I not allowed to be one with a perfect mommyhood? I've been through a lot, there's no reason why I can't be a good mom and planner of our lives. It'll not be like a duck soup, I'm so gonna be persnickety and fussy, but hey! 

Hot mommy will rock on the show! :):)

2 comments:

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